WHO IS THIS PERSON?

UNDERSTANDING TEENAGERS AND THE YOUNG PEOPLE OF GENERATION X

INTRODUCTION

Let me tell you a story to highlight how the times have changed and the difference between you and your child. A Father and his son were playing golf. The son sliced a shot and his ball landed right behind a very tall pine tree. He was in a total quandary as to how to get past the tree on to the green. His father said, "When I was your age I would have chipped the ball right over the top of that tree." So the son tried, but his ball got stuck halfway up the tree and fell back to where it started. The one thing the father forgot was that when he played that shot years ago the tree was only a metre high. The world, the influences, the experiences your child is exposed to is not the same as the one in which you grew up. Young people's perspective on life, on the future, on dreams, meaning and purpose is different. They are not you!

This booklet is not going to solve all your problems but I hope that you will receive some insight, awareness and understanding of the world of young people and accept some general principles when relating to young people. I have drawn largely on my training and personal experience in putting this all down in writing. The result is not the final word on understanding young people but hopefully a useful discernment from a Christian philosophical psycho-therapeutical perspective. I hope you will better understand your children and their needs and respond to them in a more appropriate manner. Remember that this profile does not necessarily apply fully to all young people and your child might not ref1ect many of the particular characteristics of this generation X. I also recommend that you consult with a professional such as a psychologist or pastor for advice as how to understand and respond to your children.

As we enter the millennium I see more people in my counselling office that live life with a feeling of total and absolute meaninglessness. There appears to be no meaning, purpose, or destiny that is worth living for. "What is the meaning of life?" "What difference do I really make in this world?" "What is the purpose of the pain and suffering in this world?" “What's the point?" All of us have at some stage raised personal questions of meaning: then something unexpected happened to us, when we had to make important choices, in moments of amazement or depression with regard to experiences of life. What is the meaning of the cancer, or of the personal loss I have suffered? What should be my attitude towards these things and how can I come to terms with it?

Young people often refer to life as 'busted', Environmental turmoil, AIDS, wars all over the world, and unemployment are but a few of the issues they have inherited. Often, they call themselves 'survivors', having survived the abortion genocide that has taken the lives of millions of babies.

Their grandparents believed that truth is learned by knowing God; their parents were influenced by the humanism of modernity that claims humans determine the boundaries of truth. Now they live in a post modern world (the New Age) that deconstructs metanarratives and that believes in no absolutes and lots of tolerance, resulting in little teaching on morals and ethics. The ground has been removed from under the feet of most young people. For their grandfathers and grandmothers, religion or Christianity, was still a matter of personal conviction. For their fathers and mothers it was still at least a matter of tradition and the 'done thing'. For the emancipated sons and daughters, the young people of today, it is becoming increasingly a thing of the past that is no longer binding; passed by and obsolete.

There is no universal teaching on right or wrong, no boundaries. Free sex (by this is meant anyone, any time, anyplace) and drugs abound as most of today's young people come from dysfunctional homes. Morality and truth are relative concepts. The rave culture, computers, alternative dress code, religious experimentation, free sex and drugs are all symptoms of a generation that seeks intimacy and spirituality.

In South Africa, Generation X can be loosely defined as all those young people old enough to remember apartheid and be judged by history to have been part of it, and yet not quite old enough to have been involved in any form of struggle against (or on the side of) apartheid. In South Africa the Xers birth years range from 1970 -1990.

As young people they are expected to grow up quickly. Teenagers are now expected to confront life and its challenges with the maturity once expected only of the middle-aged. High schools, which were once the setting for a unique teenage culture and language, have become miniatures of the adult community. Theft, violence, sex, and substance abuse are now as common in the high schools as they are on the streets. .

During the last few decades divorce rates increased dramatically. The concept of the "latchkey kids" was created for Xers - those young people who came home from school to empty homes, and looked after themselves and even their households on their own.

The music of Generation X, from grunge to hip-hop, reveals a hardened edge. Their most famous cartoon character is a fitting representation of these young people. Bart Simpson is irreverent, self-reliant, and really doesn't care what adults think about him. Always in trouble, he nevertheless always lands on his feet, and often fixes up the messes of his father. Adults invariably come to look upon Generation X as wild, soulless, and a bad generation - while Generation X see older people as pompous, authoritarian, and hypocritical. Generation X is our future and I am confident that they have within them the capacity to create a great future.

As you read this I think you will discover that some sections are more difficult to follow. Section one to four should not present any problems; however section five might appear more complex. Read it through two or three times and ask questions whilst reading. If it proves complicated it serves as an example of the complex process that your child is presently undergoing. Here you will learn something about the formation causes of your own thinking, beliefs, values and meaning. I believe that these two sections can help you understand the process that all humans go through in arriving at beliefs, convictions, opinions and behaviours. Where I have used masculine terms I have chosen to do so to simplify writing this booklet and use the term in an inclusive manner.

SECTION ONE

  DEFINING THE DISTINGUISHING PRINCIPLES OF THIS GENERATION X

1. They will do almost anything to be loved and accepted
Nothing is more important to today's youth than relationships. Young people live in a world that is increasingly devoid of solid, dependable relationships. They have grown up as children of divorce, starved for closeness and intimacy as the family has deteriorated. Abusive, neglectful, busy, absent, non-emotional and working parents have no time for meaningful relationships. Because today's young people have been deprived of intimacy they value it more highly. They value relationships the most, even though they do not have the skills and ability to have true and meaningful relationships.

Most Xers are the children of Boomers, parents who were so deeply involved with their own selves, working by day and resting by night, that they were unable to give Generation X much attention - leaving them alone much of the time.

The concept of the "latchkey kid" is one that was defined for this generation. This is a generation that has arrived home to an empty house, with both mom and dad working, or a single parent home where the remaining parent has to work to survive. Often, especially in the latter situation, the young person has been forced to take on part-time employment as well. Children are left to their own devices usually outside school hours. Studies indicate ­that nearly a third of Johannesburg 's children, and nearly half of Soweto 's fall into this category. This is also the generation that has spent every other weekend at their other parent's home, and has seen a profusion of different family relationships, such as "dad's girlfriend", "mom's previous ex-husband", "my second stepfather", or "my step-brother's father's ex-wife". This has caused young people to be sceptical of relationships, yet still feels the need to fill the void with something else. Friends and peers become surrogate families, as a small number of dependable relationships are valued highly.

They will do anything to get love, but they don't know how to love properly. This affects how they behave, as they will do anything to be loved. They have become more sexually active to get love and closeness, but just end up getting used, and therefore lonelier than they were before. They are a visual generation, with TV, video, computer games, etc., yet, although sophisticated, do not know how to talk or communicate their feelings. They do not know how to have the very thing the want the most: a relationship. This causes problems resulting from a spiral of behaviour that leads to bad relationships that leads to bad behaviour, and so on. Their best attempts leave them empty and lonely, and loneliness is the thing they fear the most. They are desperate for relationship, even if they can only have it for a little while.

This is an important defining characteristic. Much of the behaviour of Generation X is as a result of this, often subconscious, need to be loved. This generation is starved of genuine love, and will do anything in their quest to find it. For all the idealistic "free love" of their Boomer parents/elders, Xers have largely not been the recipients of much genuine love, and have been brought up in a world that uses people. This generation inherited not free love, but AIDS, not peace but nuclear anxiety.

If relationships matter the most, then acceptance by a group of people who will validate them is vital. They feel that they must fit in. This is only really possible within small groups, so one of the characteristics of this generation is that they get together in small groups, united by common interests and mutual acceptance. These small groups act as surrogate families, and offer a sense of belonging that cannot be found elsewhere in a world that is devoid of relationships and real love.

Today's young people make decisions on the basis of what it will take to get people to accept them. They do not bother with what is right or wrong, but what they can do to be accepted. They are asking "what must I do to be loved?" They are looking for a safe place, where they can feel important and where they can be loved.

2. Distinctiveness and individualism is highly prized
Today's young people are very individualistic. This is expressed not only in the fact that as a generation they are comfortable with an unprecedented number of different music styles, fashions, and self-expressions, but also in a fierce demand for individual freedom and rights. This is not a rebellion against authority, but rather an expression of self-confidence arising out of a lifetime of learning to fend for themselves. They want personal empowerment to be a keen factor in their worlds. This generation lacks a common cause. This generation has no rallying point.

3. They are pessimistic and despair about the future
This generation grew up with the constant fear of annihilation. Human beings have the ability to completely wipe themselves out with the nuclear bomb or chemical warfare. In addition, this generation was born into a world of terrorism and assassinations. In South Africa , as elsewhere in the world, this generation grew up with the bombs exploding in cities all over the world.

They are the first generation who will grow up to earn less than the generation before them, and the current economic prospects for the world look bleak to say the least. Add to this the global ecological meltdown, increasing over-population, decreasing world resources, and the future is not a bright place. Of course, many of these problems may be solved. Xers are not so sure, and are not able to erase from their minds the flickering images of the failures they have seen in their short lives.

When this generation thinks about the future at all, it normally does not feel good about it. But they care more about today and this week than next year or eternity. They are saying, in the words of a country song: "help me make it through the night". They are looking for an anaesthetic to ease the pain, not a cure for their disease. 'So lets live for now and do drugs'. The tragic result of this pessimism is the dramatic increase of teen suicides over the past two decades. In America over 50 000 young people committed suicide in the 1980s. Virtually every single person in this generation will consider suicide as an option. Those that live will do so because they have chosen to do so, but this does not necessarily remove the pessimism.

4. Pain, hostility and anger are rising resulting in an existential anxiety
Due to abuse, divorce, neglect, broken and bad relationships this generation carries emotional pain. They feel like they are victims, and they act like it. This generation has a reputation of being whiners and slackers. They have self-destructive deeds, but under the deed there is a need - the need is a need to remove the pain. The deeds are worse than previous generations, because the needs are much deeper. They will do anything for a few minutes of relief: alcohol, drugs, sex, turning music up, smoking, and many other things are being used as symptomatic relief agents. They don't see a cure so they go for the anaesthetic . The problem is that these 'anaesthetics' often bring a whole new set of problems.

Because of their pain, this generation is characterised by anger that is simmering and sitting very near the surface. It does not take today's young people long to be pushed over the edge, where they show meanness and verbal cruelty towards each other. Today's young people are exceptionally cutting and verbally cruel to each other. They are also physically cruel, with the extreme cases leading to recent stories of guns at school, school shootings and beatings and many more violent deaths at school than ever before. This is often masked in terms of jokes and catch phrases, but an underlying anger can be discerned. Because of the pain and anger, hardness comes a lot sooner for today's young people. They are cynical and often express deep bitterness. This hardness often comes out in their arrogant and dismissive manner of dealing with each other and with adults.

5. They are sceptical of institutions
Because big government has let it down through scandals, lies and half-truths and personal failures. This generation is sceptical of any organised institution. They are therefore often criticised for their lack of loyalty. Recent surveys have shown that only a mall percentage of young people belong to organisations specifically geared to the youth.

In addition, the concept of “paying dues" is seen as outdated, as it was loyalty in exchange for long-term security. Companies can no longer offer long-term security, so Xers won't pay their dues, either. Paying short-term dividends is the key to their motivation.

What Xers are not willing to do is to pay dues which, in any sense, are based on protocols of hierarchy or rights of initiation. The reason is clear - the traditional rites in the workplace have been part of an initiation to a club called job security, a club which Xers are not invited to join. For that reason, Xers are not willing to embrace the bottom rung of the ladder as a matter of course, despite the fact that those of predecessor generations may have done so. Because of this, Xers have gained the unfair label of "slackers". Spurning traditional jobs, work ethic, and seeking quick money in short-term relationships, they have been seen as not having any commitment.

6. They want rules from the right 'qualified' authorities
These young people are growing up in a world with no road map. As much as they live within this paradoxical world, they nevertheless are tired of a world of total freedom that is characterised by chaos and confusion. Total freedom has turned out to be total confusion and brokenness. They really do want someone to give them a road to follow. But they don't accept just anyone giving them direction.

People used to have positional authority: "I am your father, boss, pastor, and president ­therefore I demand your respect". The authority of someone was based on the position they held, not on their own personal merits. The Boomer era changed this for us, by rebelling against such authority structures. But Boomers rebelled when they saw these authorities messing up, and their rebellion was simply to gain the authority for themselves. As much as Boomers railed against "the establishment", they have done nothing to change he establishment now that they are it. Boomers actually saw nothing inherently wrong in the structures per se, but rather in how these structures were being abused. Thus, once they had obtained the power, they began relying on positional authority. Boomers see the position and the person as separate - so that they can respect the position, but not the person.

Xers, by contrast, hold no truck with positional authority at all . Their rebellion against authority is against the entire system itself. Xers are looking for personal authority, where authority is derived from personhood, rather than position. Authority is always earned, never inherited and can never be demanded. They respect people because of the way that person treats them and because of who that person is . There is no such thing as positional authority. Authority is granted to those who earn it by their character and relationships, not because of their position or job title. Position and title are nothing! Person is everything. They want someone to tell them what to do and how to live - but that person must be someone they can respect.

Unlike previous generations, however, this negative view of authority structures does not lead them to radical action. Rather, they are more apt to whine and moan, and yet do nothing at all to change anything. This has earned them the titles of "slackers" and "whiners". "Pull your pants up, turn your hat around, and get a job" is the kind of attitude that puts Xers off totally. They want relationships and acceptance, and that basis will choose to grant authority to people in their lives. Those who earn the right to speak into their lives will be given the privilege of helping this generation to navigate the waters of confusion that they are currently engaging .

This generation does not need to be taught the rules, it needs to be helped to understand them, and then given the space to learn to apply them for themselves.

7. They are self-sufficient and do not trust
Divorce, having reached almost epidemic proportions in all countries of the world, as well as abuse and neglect, has significantly impacted today's young people. It has forced them to grow up very quickly, and become adults before their time. Xers not only personally learned about the fragility of commitment but were also forced into a premature - and untutored - adulthood.

In addition, this generation has seen that those in charge really don't seem to be able to control the world. Having grown up in a world where it seemed to them that they were on their own, and that they had to look out for themselves, they are carrying this self­ sufficiency into later life. They trust themselves, and money – period…….A lot of this money fixation can be attributed to this generation's premature affluence and its poor economic prospects down the road. They trust money because their earliest life experiences taught them that you couldn't trust anything else.

They have been denied the time normally given to young people to work out a fully developed sense of self, and have a patchwork self. They do not only distrust others, but also distrust themselves. They are cursed with the lowest collective self-esteem of any youth generation in living memory. Lacking the ego-strength to try setting agendas for others, they instead react to the world as they find it.

8. They are circumspect of commitment
Because they have been let down so many times, and because of what was said in the previous point, this generation does not commit itself to anything, or, at best, commits itself very slowly and warily. It favours short-term commitments to small-scale projects with definable objectives and ending dates. They get scolded for having no civic spirit; for feeling no stake in the nations past crusades or future ideals; for seldom bothering to read the newspapers, learn about public affairs, discuss big issues, or vote for candidates; for just not caring. This apathy works its way out in an unwillingness to commit.

Xers are more content to try to make a difference at a localised level, if at all. They are much more interested in their close group of friends than in the world out there, and show little or no interest in causes, political power or status-based group affiliations.

9. They recognise no boundaries
There is no sense of things being right or wrong with modern young people. They do not have moral boundaries, and many moral decisions that we take as self-evident, such as the sanctity of life, the value of ownership, etc., are just not understood by this generation. As far as they are concerned, they are never out of bounds. How can you be out of bounds if there are no boundaries? This is a post-Christian era, where morality is subjective. Nietzsche's concept of the superman has taken root. The superman is able to enjoy any action he undertakes, whether it is altruistically assisting an elderly lady across the street or beating up the old lady to steal her handbag. As long as this is what the superman wanted to do, he is truly "super" if he feels no feelings about either action except self ­fulfilment. Sin is a non-issue to today's young people. They are not looking for answers to their sin.

Because they do not have any boundaries, they often find themselves in a confused situation, living with the paradoxes inherent in Nietzsche's "superman" model. It is not uncommon to discover that a young person will say and truly believe one thing in one environment, and something completely contradictory in another. When this is pointed out, no problem is seen. Today's young people can live with internal and external paradox very comfortably.

10. Truth and reason don't matter - pragmatism rules
Xers don't ask "is it true?", but rather "does it work?" Something may be true and even accepted by them as such, but they don't care, unless it really affects their lives. They want real answers to their real-life issues. They don't care about the truthfulness of the answers, but rather about the workableness and applicability of the answers. They care more about answers for their loneliness, for their relationship hassles. They care about giving their lives meaning, and filling the holes in their hearts.

11. They are stressed out and organised to death
Most of today's young people carry diaries with them, and work to schedules and timetables. And these are not social diaries, but detailed lists of things to be done just to get through all their school work and extra-curricula activities. Most of them plan well in advance for events, and are very used to organising multiple activities into a busy schedule. The 'carefree days of youth' are not part of this generation's experience. In addition to their over-organisation, they are also incredibly stressed.

Teenagers today are subject to more stress than were teenagers in previous generations. This stress is of three types. First, teenagers are confronted with many more freedoms today than were available to past generations. Second, they are experiencing losses to their basic sense of security and expectations for the future, that earlier generations did not encounter. And third, they must cope with the frustrations of trying to prepare for their life's work in school settings that hinder rather than facilitate this goal.

12. They love stories
This generation loves stories, especially true stories of people's lives. They tell stories and to make their own lives worthwhile tales in the process. Because they have abandoned metanarratives, they are forced to create narratives of their own to define meaning and to give expression to their selves. Stories are intensely important to Generation X. They are not big on descriptions and adjectives. They want the feelings, the action, and the story. Their stories give them identity.

13. Music is huge
A survey in the United States found that in dealing with hassles, young people rated talking to mom number 48, talking to dad number 51 (out of 53) and music was number 1! Axel Rose said: 'When I was in high school my best friend was music." Music is their voice. They are listening to someone who is singing their feelings. Music is one of the biggest ways in which Xers tell out their stories. The music is therefore as varied as the stories, from the soulful R&B, the heartbreaking sounds of new Country and Western, through the search for love in pop and soul, the despair in grunge, to the in-your-face sounds of inner city hip-hop and the killer instinct of gangsta rap. Young people are giving their lives leaning and expressing that meaning through the story their music tells.

Much of their music reinforces their dark sides: for example, they are lonely so they listen to lonely music, and this just makes them lonelier. They feed what they should be staving, reinforcing their bad feelings. Music is more that a beat or a style it is the language of this generation, it is their very soul and an expression of their feelings.

14. They are adrenaline junkies and risk takers
This is the generation that invented sports such as bungee jumping, and have made outdoor pursuits, such as river rafting, free cliff climbing, downhill mountain biking, rollerblading and the like, mainstream activities. This generation's drugs of choice are not the high-inducing, spiritual-based, hallucinogens of the 60s. Rather it is speed and ecstasy, which are high energy-boosting drugs that allow rave dancers to sustain unbelievably raised levels of energy and dancing throughout an entire night. Tom Cruise, in the movie Top Gun, summed up this generation's addiction to thrills and adrenaline when he arrogantly boasted about flying air force jets: " I feel the need, the need for speed ". Christian Slater once said, " It's better to burn out than fade away ". He was talking for his generation.

On a more sinister note, as we saw above, this need for a thrill is seen in the blatant disregard for "safe sex", and the added kick that many teenagers find in having unprotected sex with multiple partners. This risk propensity also finds itself worked out in their approach to business and life in general. They are prepared to take many risks to achieve a desired goal. Many of this generation are working as consultants, being paid only for work done. They are prepared to accept the risk of financial instability in return for the rewards of high-paying jobs.

15. They live with and embrace change
A common cliché is: "The only constant is change". For this generation, change has been a constant theme as it has grown up. Fashions and fads change very quickly, and today's young people are prone to perceive something as out-of-date very quickly. They do not expect today to be the same as yesterday. In fact, anything that does not change is viewed with suspicion.

They have not only accepted this high level of change; they actually embrace it and enjoy it. They look for something different each day, and get bored very quickly. They need innovation and are easily attracted by gimmicks.

16. They are open to spirituality
Young people today are interested in spiritual things. They are not religious by nature, nor are they interested in institutional religion. They do not live spiritually (i.e. by any spiritually controlled code), but are interested in the new-age, Satanism, occult, crystals, and the like. They seem to know that the answers they are looking for are to be found in the spiritual art of life, but they have no idea of where to look.

They believe that we, as a human race, have tried Christianity and Jesus, and it hasn't worked. They therefore do not even bother to investigate these as options. They have a non-traditional approach to spirituality, which often comes across as very irreverent. This notwithstanding, their search for real meaning beyond the visible is genuine.

They believe in the supernatural, and have no difficulties in understanding the concepts of transcendence and mystery. In fact, they thrive on mystery and enjoy being in situations that seem to be beyond them, and that tug at their spiritual side. This is why so many new age religions have gained new ground with these young people. They are not searching for truth; rather they are searching for meaning.

17. They tend to be sexually promiscuous
The message put out by the world is that love is found in sexual intimacy. This message comes very powerfully from Hollywood . Sex is viewed as inevitable, and as condom manufacturers and even government health authorities say there is no way to stop kids having sex, we are urged to help them to do it safely. The concept of "safe sex" has been invented for this generation.

The problem is that young people who try to use sex to get love end up getting used, and feeling less loved than before. This becomes a vicious cycle. In addition, the birth control pill and condoms have not brought on an era of "free" love as anticipated by the 1960 boomers. AIDS has dealt a massive blow to that. But, where adults look at AIDS with fear, it does not seem to be changing the attitudes of Generation X. In fact, an added dimension has been added to sexual encounters, turning orgasmic thrill into something akin to Russian roulette. Forty years ago, young adults associated sex with procreation; twenty years ago with free love [recreation]; today, with self-destruction.

Xers are marrying later, but having sex earlier than any previous generation this century. There is also an unprecedented level of cohabitation before marriage, and of "open marriages" after marriage. Sex is certainly no longer viewed with the puritan glasses of the Christianised past. Xers expect sex, and hope that will fill the void they feel inside.

18. They are racially diverse
This generation is one of the most racially diverse generations to grow up in human history. In South Africa , racial integration is not really happening among the adults, but the integration in schools and clubs is enabling a new generation to grow up without the prejudices of the past.

Many of the institutions that today's young people should be looking to for guidance are showing blatant flaws with regard to racial harmony. This is seriously tarnishing their image. For example, "racial segregation in South African churches is likely to persist for two reasons: first, as a protective reaction to increased social diversity, and second, because it has become deeply ingrained in local religious tradition. This is just not acceptable to a new generation that is generally colour blind.

19. They work so that they can have a life
They view their friendships as most important. This means that their attitude to work is that it is a necessary evil, which is a means to an end. The end is "having a life". The means is "earning money". They will work so that they can enjoy a life outside of work. This is in marked contrast to many of the older generations whose life is their work.

20. They have a new and unique style of learning and communicating
To older generations Xers seem impatient for answers, always demanding information, asking questions, and pursuing multiple lines of enquiry simultaneously. What looks to some adults like a lack of attention in Xers is, rather, a rapid-fire style of interacting with information that comes naturally to us as children of the information revolution.

This generation has embraced technology and modem telecommunications. This has required them to learn entirely new languages (computer coding languages), and also taught them to communicate in fundamentally new ways. They learn in a mosaic fashion rather than linearly. They have a rapid-fire information consumption capability. Many of the things for which this generation is maligned, such as short attention spans and lack of ability to concentrate on a single task at once are not problems but actually brilliant coping mechanisms for a world overloaded with information. The skill to be valued in the twenty ­first century is not the length of attention span, but the ability to multitask - to do many things at once, and well and the ability to process visual information very rapidly.

21. They are media savvy
This generation knows the value of the media, and how powerful it is. Boomers say, "Image is everything". Xers say, "Everything is image". Reality can be distorted and manipulated by the media. Knowing this, Xers are very sceptical of what they see on TV, realising that even the news is rated these days, and carries only stories that will increase that rating. They prefer live broadcasting, which allows them to see things as they are happening, with little time to manipulate it.

While they have been called many things - stupid, apathetic, shallow, greedy, and angry ­their most important quality as far as media is concerned is a sense of irony and irreverence. The irony was developed through an emotional distance from the subjects of the media. The irreverence for the sanctity of popular cultural ideology came from this generation's ability to change what was on the screen. They don't just receive and digest media. They manipulate it. They play with it. The media is not a mirror - it is an 'other'. They are in a living relationship with it.

22. They are ambitious in their own way
Taken on their own terms, given freedom within reasonable boundaries, and provided with enough information to succeed, Xers have the potential to be the most well equipped workers.

Part of the paradox of Generation X is almost contradictory values that are displayed. On the one hand they have grown up in environments, with parents who have given them everything they wanted. They have grown up in homes fuelled by the materialistic 80s, and have watched and listened to the "Material Girl", Madonna. They have come to expect material things, and are thus seen as very materialistic. This comes out in their desire to wear only designer clothes, for instance. Yet, on the other hand, they don't believe that the world owes them anything, but everything that they have they have earned and now own by right. They are not given to idealistic dreams of the future as the Boomers were, but they certainly don't sit back and wallow in self-pity and despair. They may believe that the world is going to the dogs, but they believe that they themselves will be able to escape through hard work, right priorities and a bit of luck.

23. They are part of a Global Youth Culture
The trends discussed above are not specifically American. Although most demographers quote mainly American statistics, this is mainly because of the availability thereof, not because they are only American in nature. These trends above can be seen in many countries around the world. Today's young people are influenced by cultural trends from all over the world. Fads take off and spread quickly around the globe, as does music and movies. The price of modernisation is the opening of one's culture to global invasion in the form of American popular culture.

SECTION TWO

THE FORMATION AND CRYSTALLISATION OF WORLDVIEWS IN YOUNG PEOPLE.

i) Explanation - A worldview explains why the world came to be as it is, and how it continues. It answers the basic questions of life.

ii) Evaluation - A worldview will evaluate, judge and validate different actions and institutions.

iii) Psychological reinforcement - During times of crises, a worldview provides psychological reinforcement.

iv) Integrating function - A worldview must function as an integrator. It provides a comprehensive, uniform and meaningful explanation of reality.

A worldview is forged and influenced in two ways.
i) Through experiences and the answers to questions relating to origin, meaning and purpose, morality, and destiny. Who am I? How did life come about? Why is the world in a mess? What does the future hold? Are but a few of the many existential questions asked. The answers to the questions fuse together and form a worldview. Thus a worldview is a comprehensive system, the conclusion, inference, and summation, as a result of the answers to the inquiry. This is the method common to young people.

ii) A worldview is the starting point from which the questions relating to origin, meaning and purpose, morality, and destiny are answered. Who am I? How did life come about? Why is the world in a mess? What does the future hold? - are all answered but the answers are dependent on viewpoint and presuppositions (one's eyeglasses). You will give a particular answer based on your worldview. This is the method of most parents. Now it is quite easy to note why parents and children clash. They often are coming at an issue from different perspectives.

Today, in a pluralistic and relativistic world, many young people tend to have a mosaic, mixed worldview that reflects pragmatism (I believe something because I want to live in a certain way compared with a Christian worldview - I live a certain way because of what I believe). A pragmatic worldview will most times be antithetical and inconsistent.

Young people are in a sense anti-worldview, as they tend to deny the existence of any universal truths or standards. No one particular belief is truer or more believable than another is. Generation X does not really have a worldview because they do not attempt to construct a paradigm that orders reality. Reality eludes all attempts at conformity so there can never be any absolute foundation. All truth is a social construct, pragmatically justified. Reality is constructed by the mind and not simply perceived by it. If reality is a fluid, unfolding process then the quest for knowledge is endlessly self-revising, continually affected, and moulded by one's actions and beliefs.

Remember:
i) All young people are products of their culture and we need to be wary of ethnocentrism (viewing other people's ways of life in terms of our own cultural glasses).

ii) Individuals often uncritically and pragmatically absorb different worldviews. Worldviews flow from education, culture, parents, the mass media etc.

ii) A worldview is a self-supporting and nourishing circle that perpetually bolsters and sustains itself.

iv) We need to identify and endorse all components of truth that a person's worldview holds, then help them to ascertain the deficiency of their worldview that they have absorbed i.e. they become unsure of what they believe. It is also important to realise that because multiple, incompatible truth claims exist, does not mean that one of them is not objectively true. Adults do not have a monopoly on truth. To de-create or undo young people's worldview we need to have an attitude of love and respect, and a willingness to listen and learn on our part.

v) Start by studying and understanding their worldview, culture, music, mannerisms, what they believe and why. All beliefs and values and behaviour are influenced by one's worldview held.

SECTION THREE

  IMPORTANT CONSIDERATIONS FOR CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUNG PEOPLE

There are two primary formats for dialogue:
A didactic/sermonic/authoritarian model of teaching involves the adult/teacher transmitting a dogmatic body of knowledge to the listener. "I have the truth and I will teach you this truth." It is instructive teaching and moralising. This is the way parents teach children; ministers generally teach at Church services; this is the way most Christians have learned their doctrine; and this is the way most Christians practice evangelism; and this is one way a worldview is established. A worldview is the starting point from which the questions relating to origin, meaning, truth, purpose, morality, and destiny are answered. Who am I? How did life come about? Why is the world in a mess? What does the future hold? - are all answered but the answers are dependent on viewpoint and presuppositions (one's eyeglasses). You will give a particular answer (a truth statement for you) based on your worldview.

An alternative method is shared educational, relational, and partnership communication - where we ourselves and together with others normally inquire, challenge, and conceive truth as we explore and consider issues. This can be called a critical exploratory existential model . Through the answers to questions relating to origin, meaning and purpose, morality, and destiny. Who am I? How did life come about? Why is the world in a mess? What does the future hold? Are but a few of the many existential questions asked. The answers to the questions fuse together and form a worldview. Thus a worldview is a comprehensive system, the conclusion, inference, and summation, as a result of the answers to the inquiry. Truth is often a conclusion based on pragmatism.

It is uncomfortable and even painful to constantly reconsider and evaluate our worldviews and beliefs but, if we are to be truthful and seekers of truth, then it is imperative that we do this. We are all interpreters and the interpreter of any situation must recognise that he/she is fallible. We all must recognise the radical situadedness of human thought so that we might be more humble in what we say or do. There are the inherent weakness of the interpreter and the social/psychological reality of the idiosyncratic cultural linguistic nature of life. That is why I believe unshakably in certain convictions that hold me yet, I have many opinions that I hold to and these change as I reappraise them constantly.

So how are we to dialogue with young people? The adult, understanding that his/her articulation and understanding of life, morality etc. is incomplete and full of presuppositions (and influenced by the worldview held), communicates his/her understanding and invites the young listener to join in. Together they critically appraise their different understandings, bias, and viewpoints. Now the adult is not trying to impose knowledge and the listener is not formulating an existential truth. The goal of this association is not to construct some sort of subjective Hegelian synthesis but together attempt to ascertain, comprehend and respond to the situation. Together, there is a search for comprehension of truth, an exegesis and interpretation of experience and reality. This is shared educational and partnership dialogue.

Yes, as an adult I have truth or information that I want to communicate to young people, but I want to do this through raising questions on their perspectives and worldviews, and allow young people to put their questions to me. I want them to think, critique, and come to their own sound conclusions by giving them information in the form of questions rather than closed non-negotiable propositional statements . If I want people to listen to me and take me seriously then I must be prepared to listen to them. My attitude is "If you can convince me I am wrong then I will change." It is nothing less than arrogance and disdainful disrespect if I expect young people to be prepared to change their minds on what they believe yet I am not prepared to listen and change if I am convinced of another (their) perspective. Why should they take me seriously if I do not take them seriously and show them no deference? I also need to recognise difference as a value to be highly respected.

We adults must learn to communicate around the following points that I raise in conclusion:
i. Listen to young people, respect them and love them, and accept them. They are created with free will. Determine their questions, objections, their hypothesis and feelings. Too often parents and adults are manipulative and arrogant (I am right and you are wrong) and through a monologue attempt to prove one's own version of truth and right behaviour and force agreement and compliance with one's worldview held. It should be a partnership; a sharing in a dialogue that questions the consistency and coherency of one another's thinking and worldview. Your attitude, honesty, and receptivity will determine if the conversation is an honest dialogue, progressing in an attempt to find solutions; or an aggressive confrontation between two belligerent people refusing to give an inch on their views.

Grace, love and reconciliation should be reflected in our words and deeds. Intelligent answers to problematic questions are not helpful if our words are not gracious and seasoned with salt. Having an aggressive, antagonistic, condemning, or superior attitude, conveyed in your speech or actions, will not win young people over.

ii. We are to be honest and transparent - about our own brokenness, doubts, struggles, sinfulness, and about the difficulties of life. These young people are growing up in a world with no road map. They really do want someone to give them a road to follow. But they don't accept just anyone giving them direction.

People used to have positional authority: "I am your father, boss, pastor, and president ­therefore I demand your respect". The authority of someone was based on the position they held, not on their own personal merits. Xers, by contrast, hold no truck with positional authority at all. Their rebellion against authority is against the entire system itself. Xers are looking for personal authority, where authority is derived from personhood, rather than position. Authority is always earned, never inherited and can never be demanded. They respect people because of the way that person treats them and because of who that person is. There is no such thing as positional authority. Authority is granted to those who earn it by their character and relationships, not because of their position or job title. Position and title are nothing! Person is everything. They want someone to tell them what to do and how to live - but that person must be someone they can respect.

"Pull your socks up, and get a job" is the kind of attitude that puts Xers off totally. They want relationships and acceptance, and that basis will choose to grant authority to people in their lives. Those who earn the right to speak into their lives will be given the privilege of helping this generation to navigate the waters of confusion that they are currently engaging.

This generation does not need to be taught the rules, it needs to be helped to understand them, and then given the space to learn to apply them for themselves. Parents need to be transparent, vulnerable and honest to earn respect. Young people learn from and relate better to those who admit their failures, have integrity and are willing to admit to their mistakes and they reject all forms of hypocrisy.

iii. We are to share our conviction about that which we are certain and our opinion on that which we are uncertain.

iv. The story format (narrative) appears to be the literary genre, the method of choice to reveal truths to young people. Story is basic to humans as life has a narrative shape, a plot, a beginning and end. Story does not impose; rather it invites the listener into it. Jesus used narrative genre. His parables invited the listener into the story and conveyed spiritual truth through this medium. Story is the most appropriate genre to convey truth to young people who are relativists who do not hold to absolute truths. Often a story is self ­explanatory.

v. The action part of the parent's lives will testify and illustrate the truth of their claims. The adult's life is the story that young people will read to determine if they have authority to talk.

SECTION FOUR

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

What is your attitude to conflict? "There are two sides to every argument and they are usually married to each other." "How is your wife?" "Oh, she is not speaking to me and I am in no mood to interrupt her" "We have been married for 15 years and only had one argument - it started the day we were married and it has not stopped since."

Is your marriage, your relationship with your children a constant battleground? I think it will often be a bit of both. The problem is couples have little training and almost no guidelines for handling friction. How are you to handle the many storms in your family life? First and foremost recognise one fact. Conflict is inevitable.

What is conflict?
Conflict exists whenever there are important differences between people which, should they persist and remain unresolved, serve to keep them apart in some way.

Why does conflict arise?
Because all of us perceive people and situations differently. No matter how mature, loyal or in love a couple is, discord and disagreement will take place. Conflict does not have to destroy but can provide opportunity for growth and development in the marital relationship and used rightly it can build family unity. You see conflict is like dynamite, helpful if used right, destructive if used in the wrong manner. Your relationships can grow as much through conflict as from good times. So recognise that conflicts will come but determine in your heart to use them to strengthen not destroy your relationships.

Common methods of dealing with conflict
Withdraw: I can't win so what is the use

Win at all costs: Relationships are secondary, the important thing is to win the argument

Yielding: I will give in to some demands in order to achieve some of mine.

Compromise: Giving in to get along. I don't like the situation but I will swallow my opinions in order to get along

All the above are WRONG! Yet, most people adopt one of these four styles in dealing with conflicts. Withdrawing means you lose the opportunity to utilise conflict for spiritual and psychological growth. Winning shows lack of concern for building good relationships - all you do is satisfy you own selfish need to win. Yielding on the surface seems honourable (trying to preserve the relationship but at the expense of being open and honest about you feelings. Compromise tends to lower both parties' standards to achieve peace and fails to deal with the problem at the root. Note this - the style you use to face conflict is normally the one your parents used. (Light going on in your mind now?) Stop and think of the ways you handled your last conflict. How did you feel towards the other person? How did you react? Did you withdraw, win, yield or compromise?

The solution
Determine to Resolve the Conflict: and check your Attitude. Conflicts are normal and the tension and pressure is difficult to handle but it is possible to work through the problems to a mutually acceptable solution. Determine to solve all future conflicts in a spirit of truth and grace. Deal with anger. In the Bible there is a righteous anger "In you anger do not sin" and unrighteous anger, "Get rid of all ...anger" (Eph 4:26-31). Anger is strong displeasure, rage. It can be a sudden explosion and burn out rapidly or it can be long lasting and moving to goal of seeking revenge. Anger can be used for good or evil purposes. We can become angry at the evil and oppose it - more in terms of what it does to others. But, wrong unrighteous anger is when things don't go our way and our pride is wounded. The danger is that we confuse the two - we dress up personal pride in garments of righteousness.

The heart of unrighteous anger is self-centeredness. We want to be free to do what pleases us yet we expect our other people's love and approval. Anger demands that you hear me, stop violating my rights, stop tying to control my life, leave me to do as I please. When your freedom to be you is threatened - you become anxious, tense - ready for action - normally hostile and bitter action.

Now how do you deal with this? BE HONEST. Don't try to be spiritual and pretend it's not there and push the emotions deep inside yourself. Now the emotion can work in the subconscious and cause more drama. No - admit you feel anger's presence and you now bring it into the open where you can deal with it. Now what? Ask yourself "why am I angry?" What has happened? What part of my ego is hurt? Discover the cause of anger.

To control anger quietly confess your anger and ask forgiveness for reacting wrongly to the situation. Anger is controlled with humility, your will and Gods help.

A big mistake often made is to confront you're the person - not the conflict. Of course it is difficult in the heat of conflict to stop and carefully define what is upsetting you.

Confronting conflict
Try to write down in one or two sentences what is troubling you. The more precisely a problem is defined, the easier will be the solution. In evaluating the core of the problem consider how (a) your behaviour and (b) the other persons behaviour - contributes to the problem and what behaviour do you think the other person sees as contributing to the problem.

Define the problem then attack the problem (not the person)
E.g.: Teenager leaves personal items strewn all over the house. Response of mother (a) "I am sick of picking things up after you. Told you 1 000 times to stop. All I do is run around picking up after you. If you loved me you would listen. You are a bad example to your sister and brother." Or. respond in way that tackles the problem not the person e.g. Mother finds an appropriate time and says: "I have a problem that we must talk about. I feel hurt and resentful when you don't pick up your things. It would help me greatly if you would pack things away in their right places so I could give more time to other things Do you think you could help me?"

This response shows (1) commitment to control anger (2) accepts responsibility for part of the problem "I have a problem .......................................... resentment" (3) problem defined in one sentence "I feel hurt and resentful when you don't pick up your things" (4) focus is on the problem not the person (5) asks for a conclusion "Do you think you can help me"

Deal with the conflict as soon as possible after it occurs
Have a "cooling off period" if things were a bit heated but do not ignore problem long enough for silent resentment to build. (Eph. 4:26 "Let not the sun go down on your anger") Say to your child "Lets talk"(not shout). Beware of the classic line "You have been behaving like a child so let's talk" Make" “I” - not "you" statements. Choose suitable times to sit and talk. Not 5 minutes before school. Choose a suitable place - e.g. the lounge. Watch out for interruptions - take the phone of the hook; tell everyone you need privacy to resolve a conflict.

Admit when you are wrong
It is often hard to be humble but "I am sorry" or "I am wrong" are therapeutic phrases. But because of pride we will not say sorry or I am wrong. Do not say "I was wrong but so were you" or "If I am wrong then I apologise" or "I am willing to say sorry if you want me to." All these reveal is pride not humility. An honest "I am sorry" - with humility improves communication and will deepen you relationship. (Proverbs 28:13 "A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful, but if he confesses and forsakes them he will get another chance")

Listen with understanding
Listen to the other person's feelings and thoughts. To keep relationships brimming with love when you are wrong -admit it. When you are right -shut up.

Forgiveness promotes healing
Always end by asking the other person's forgiveness for your role in the conflict. And never say, '" can't forgive you" because forgiveness is an act of your will. So you can say 'I will not forgive" or "I do not know how to forgive" but "I can not forgive" is wrong. If you want to experience the full effect of forgiveness in your life then forgive those that hurt you. Remember forgiveness is not forgetting, its not pretending, it does not bring up the past, it does not demand a person change before you forgive them. Forgiveness is self-giving without self-seeking. Time does not heal wounds - forgiveness does. Whether the other person deserves forgiveness is not the issue. You forgive because you deserve to be free of anger and other negative emotions.

Determine to find mutually agreeable solutions
Do not spend a long time on the problem but seek a solution. There will be a variety of answers or solutions--find one that pleases you both. Discuss, evaluate, and listen. Now it is a time of mutual sharing which promotes growth if it is done in a spirit of unity and love. A solution will often demand a change in behaviour on the part of both parties, concentrate on your need to change - not the other person's.

The Solution Process
(a) Define the conflict............................................
(b) Its effect on me is.............................................
(c) My contribution to the conflict is.........................
(d) My proposed solution to the conflict is..................
(e) A mutually acceptable solution is ........................
(f) Changes I have to make are ................................

Both parties to the conflict should do this. This system is not artificial or to structural - It works if you are both honest and really desire to resolve the conflict.

SECTION FIVE

  HIGHLIGHTING THE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OF THE SEARCH FOR MEANING, PURPOSE, DESTINY AND VALUE IN A YOUNG PERSONS LIFE

This section will provide a brief insight into philosophical psychotherapy. I have a rather simplistic understanding of the developmental stages of an individual. From the age of 2-12 (this is a generalized grouping and your child could fit in at a slightly different age) the child is in the pleasure phase. All that interests the child is pleasure. The child will eat ice cream for dinner and breakfast if it could. Eating others foods is based on the parent's desire and not the child's. Identity, security, life in general is sourced in the relationship with the parents. Then, as if a weird stranger has entered your home, the power phase really erupts. Whilst there are always elements of the power stage in pre-adolescents, and pleasure is certainly a huge factor in the power stage, the power stage is when all parties concerned are seemingly at war with one another.

Good parenting is about recognising these stages, and helping the young person to find balance in these stages. It is my experience that if we do not teach emotional maturity, relative to the age and developmental stage the child is in, we are playing a role in forming unbalanced adults. When one has not learned balance in exercising power and pleasure needs, during the pleasure and power stages, the result is often emotionally immaturity, substance abuse, cruelty, selfishness, materialism, hedonistic and narcissistic adults. For me being an adult and a parent is being an emotionally mature and balanced person (not perfect). This leads me to my third phase - the giving phase - and adulthood and parenting is all about giving. (Again I recognise this is an oversimplification but it is very true in reality.) We will only be successful in this third phase if we successfully navigate the pleasure and power stages of youth and learn the lessons and reality of life.

Section 5 will provide you with some insight into the formation process of meaning in one's life. As I am not a psychologist I have approached meaning more from a Christian philosophical perspective. I assure you that every person I have ever met goes through this process but might not articulate it as such. Read this part over two or three times and it will make sense. Then you can fit yourself and your child into this framework and immediately see that conflict is inevitable. Note how your life orientating ideas and behaviour directing beliefs, life comprehension vision, life policy strategy, and life assignments and calling and meaning differ from your child's (these are defined further on). Now with empathy and understanding you can set about resolving conflict and difference. Remember that conflict is nothing more than an opportunity to grow and mature - if dealt with maturely and wisely.

THE CHILD, POWER, PLEASURE, AND MATURITY
The child as person experiences the physical, psychological and social aspects of his existence. At birth life is given to the person as an open possibility. He has not yet achieved anything, but the potential to do so is within him. What he is going to do with his life, the unique structure into which his personality will develop, lies ahead of him. His character is continuously in the process of developing and becoming. Whilst recognising hereditary endowment and environmental learned behaviour - the primary force behind what he becomes is the person himself - his acceptance of self-determination. We are ultimately what we make of ourselves (I do recognise hereditary and psychological limitations in this process).

The child is a person who tries to find meaning in everything he experiences, whether on a physical, psychological or social level, and who attempts to discover his world and himself in relation to it. The uniquely human (spiritual) characteristics like self ­consciousness, conscience and responsible behaviour are phenomena that develop through the physical, psychological and social dimensions and which emerge as fully human characteristics only in maturity. When the child is put forward as being a complete being, the impression is created that man, like the young child, is a pleasure seeking entity or, like the adolescent, primarily power seeking. Only in maturity is the person 'fully' developed, and it is then that his uniquely human characteristics (such as freedom of will, search for meaning and value realisation) emerge clearly.

If a particular person continues to search primarily for pleasure and power as an adult, then he can justifiably be called childish or immature or superficial. This type of individual is repressed in his search for meaning and cannot therefore be held up as an example of a healthy human being.

The child's freedom is limited but increases steadily during development. The child's growing freedom is incomplete if he is not also confronted and inspired with values and ideas. Without a sense of accountability and responsibility, a balance in the pleasure and power desires, the youth's freedom is ultimately meaningless to him. When the person reaches maturity, he is expected to embrace full accountability and responsibility for his own life but can he?

A person attains optimal development (balanced pleasure, power needs with giving) when he functions on the spiritual level, that is when his spiritual dimension is recognised and comes into its own. A person who functions on this level possesses freedom of will, fulfils the basic human motive (namely to search for and find meaning in his life), and finds a meaning in a given value or set of values - especially love (sacrificial and unconditional giving love). Tragically, optimally developed people form a small minority because it takes good parenting, honesty, courage and boldness to be optimal human.

BALANCED EMOTIONS AND REASON - THE MATURE LIFE
Aristotle taught that the ultimate end of human action is eudaimonia. This is loosely translated as happiness but it is not a feeling. "I feel happy therefore I am happy". Feelings are based on externals and are very subjective. Eudaimonia is a more objective condition and I would prefer to call it joy. This joy is more than a psychological state or feeling. It is a 'well being, a flourishing that is not directly attributable to external sources. This means I can experience joy in spite of rather than because of my circumstances. This joy is not derived from pleasure but is a joy that can result in pleasure in one's life.

Aristotle has an interesting way of dealing with virtues. It is called 'the doctrine of the mean.' Virtue is the observing of the mean between excess and deficiency. This doctrine is much more than a doctrine of moderation or a prohibition of extremes in terms of emotions. Of-course we can and should feel very strongly about some things. The right feelings, at the right time, for the right reasons, towards the right person(s), for the right motives and in the right way is the doctrine of the mean. Thus, some circumstances might demand strong anger and others demand milder anger and more compassion.

The doctrine of the mean can best be understood as determining the right relationship between emotions/feelings invoked and expressed and cogent reasoning and rationality. Any behaviour or response to a stimulus that conforms and is in harmony with the mean will be an action that is an assertion and expression of the emotions that accord with the mean. Feelings such as pain, fear, pride, loneliness, anger etc. are not wrong in themselves but they can become wrong emotions if they are expressed to the wrong degree.

The purpose of using reason is not to inhibit or deny emotions but can and should influence emotions so that an appropriate response is found - i.e.: the mean. Too often we react to circumstances - rather than respond. To respond involves responsibility; it involves reason, understanding, insight and the application of practical wisdom (learned from life). We suppress reason and allow emotions to have free reign or we suppress emotions - both result in disastrous consequences. Reason must be present in emotions and emotions can and must be rational. This means that our feelings need to be appropriate and sensitive to the circumstances or stimuli. We all need to be balanced - to have a healthy rational emotional life.

This demands emotional intelligence and a practical wisdom - a continuous education experience that the practical experience of life and existence provides if we are willing to learn. We are physical/emotional/spiritual beings with rational facilities that empower us to learn from experiences. Life trains those who are willing to learn the meaning of life.

UNDERSTANDING A LIFE PHILOSOPHY
This part will require some understanding of what at first appears to be very complex concepts. I suggest you read slowly and with understanding so we will first look at some definitions:

Life orientating ideas and behaviour directing beliefs: These are fundamental, underlying thoughts and beliefs in the light of which we apprehend what are of more or less importance with regard to our life choices as individuals. They are ideas and beliefs are thought forms through which we interpret. Interpretation is a mental activity in which some kind of ordering takes place. It is the ordering of the form and practice of life according to the relative values they possess for the successful execution of living life. What should we value more and which less? This provides a person with a life comprehension vision.

A Life comprehension vision : This is a whole composite of insights about the kind of life that is worth living. From this a life policy strategy is developed.

A Life policy strategy : This is a framework of normative (acceptable) principles that serve as general guidelines for the choices and actions of the everyday life practice. Now a person can develop his/her life calling or purpose.

A Life assignment and calling : We have the choice to do something to and with our lives if we want to experience meaning and fulfilment. Human life must be given form and possibilities that have to be chosen and realised. There are specific tasks that each of us is called to fulfil if we desire to experience meaning, satisfaction, and fulfilment.

All together these four stages provide answers to who I am, what I am, and why I am questions.

Life orientating ideas and behaviour directing beliefs

Life comprehension vision

Life policy strategy

Life assignments and calling and meaning

Questions of meaning are questions that relate to and deal with life orientating ideas. From the day we are born and through the years of experiencing our life and learning we accumulate worldviews, beliefs, convictions, opinions, ideas, ways of responding and behaving. These all direct, influence and orientate our life comprehension vision and thus our life strategy. With our life directing beliefs and values we interpret (by interpretation I mean the effort to establish meaning, relevance and importance of our experiences) experiences, people, behaviour, thoughts, and just about anything and everything of and about life. Interpretation is all about how we are ordering our experiences and practices ­the things we do and experience according to the values and beliefs we have and apply in our lives.

We all have life orientating ideas and behaviour directing beliefs . They express the values that we have to pursue on the different paths of life in order to achieve meaning. In the light of such ideas, we determine which life conduct and structures are relevant, valuable, and important for a truly meaningful human existence, and which are not. These ideas are fundamental, underlying thoughts and beliefs in the light of which we apprehend what are of more or less importance with regard to our life choices as individuals or communities. Life orientating ideas are thought forms through which we interpret our experiences. Interpretation is a mental activity in which some kind of ordering takes place. It is the ordering of the form and practice of life according to the relative values they posses for the successful execution of living life. What should we value more and which less?

All beliefs, ideas and experiences result in the birth of a life comprehension vision (what has value, what is worth doing and accomplishing, and for what reasons - the way we view life in general). Life orientating ideas and behaviour directing beliefs provide the foundation for the young person's life vision. Under life vision we understand a whole composite of insights about the kind of life that is worth living.

From one's life comprehension vision a life strategy or policy is devised. This strategy or way to live life, or order life in the world, is all the normative principles, beliefs, emotions and experiences that form the foundation for informing choices and general guidelines for all the actions we make - our life strategy is the steersman of our choices to fulfil our calling in life. Our existence confronts us with life assignments and calling, specific tasks that each of us is called to fulfil if we desire to experience meaning, satisfaction, and fulfilment. We need to know why we are alive - what is the purpose of my life? To fulfil our very specific calling and life assignments it is essential to continuously develop our life strategy - the way we choose to live our lives .

Thus, from the life policy or strategy young people will determine a life calling or assignment. Human life is never a settled or fulfilled given. Life is something that one should bring to completion for and by oneself. Human life is in other words also an assignment or calling confronting each of us. As individuals we have to choose to do something to and with our lives if we want to experience meaning and fulfilment. Human life must be given form and possibilities that have to be chosen and realised.

Interpretation results in meaning so we can now see that if we do not have a balanced, healthy, wise, reality confirming, life comprehension vision and consequently life strategy, problems arise out of our interpretations and we will seldom live lives that are rationally emotionally healthy - lives that produce joy and meaning. Parents need to determine what are the life orientating ideas and behaviour directing beliefs of their children, then one can understand why the life vision, life policy and calling of young people is so radically different to that of most adults. So, I suggest reading section one again.

There exists an inner existential anxiety in young people, an inner void or emptiness that is often covered by the 'busyness' of their lives and external 'band aids' to survive. Widespread phenomena such as moral value relativism, substance abuse, depression, dysfunctional families and individuals, and juvenile delinquency are a sign of the times. Often the loss of meaning is vicariously compensated for by a materialistic and hedonistic or narcissistic lifestyle . Existential loss of meaning often results in substance abuse and sexual licentiousness as the sexual libido rages in the existential void. It is thus so important to understand the concept perspective.

PERSPECTIVE AND THE VALUE OF LIFE
Everyone has his own specific and unique calling, purpose, or mission in life to carry out special and specific concrete assignments that demands fulfilment. For this purpose he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. The meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not only the meaning of life in general but also the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.

Let me tell you a story of a poor Scottish farmer called Fleming. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, m/red to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving of the offer.

At that moment, the farmers own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I will make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to man you can be proud of." And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London , and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia and would have died. What saved him? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill leadership was irreplaceable in the victory of the British in the Second World War. If this series of events never took place then this world would have been completely different and many readers of this story would not be alive today. But, while these events were taking place, no one could foresee their importance and impact on so many people's lives.

The point of this story is simple yet profound. Everyone has his own specific reason for being alive. Each on of us is totally unique and has a unique calling, purpose, or mission in life to carry out special and specific concrete assignments that demands fulfilment. For this purpose he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. But, the mystery of life is that very few people ever see their lives in this perspective. Why? I think because we evaluate ourselves around the past and immediate and are blind to the reality that our lives impact hundreds of thousands without us being aware.

The 'truth' of the value of any person's life lies hidden in the tapestry of the whole of life and all is revealed only in the future - eternity. I am convinced that every single life is of the most incredible importance and value, and if that person had not lived this world would have been different. Given the opportunity I can prove this to anyone who will listen. Farmer Fleming died a poor farmer but his life impacted on millions - and he knew nothing about it. It might not appear so but your child's life will make a difference to this world but maybe not on your terms or as you thought. Your child must live his/her life and not be expected to fulfil your dreams or see things from your perspective.

WHO AM I AND WHY AM I?
Human beings are not only a highly developed animal species shaped by the forces of heredity and environment. I believe we are being reductionistic to explain all human behaviour only in terms of phenomena that belongs to the subhuman level of being. We need to also focus on the actualising present that becomes future; that is to say, on the assignments and meanings to be fulfilled by the person now and in the future.

To do this we must learn to de-focus and debrief all the vicious repetitive behavioural formations and emotional feedback circles formed by reality determining and emotion mechanisms (we face many traumas that shape our thinking and behaviour; from abuse to absence of love during our lives). Man's reality perspectives and emotional maturity mechanisms are developed from the conscious and unconscious interpretation and application of the experiences of the present and the past. They are projected onto the future and play an enormous and significant role in development of existential frustration (lack of fulfilment) that can lead to anxiety and neuroses (aberrant, erratic, unstable, deranged, irrational behaviour). It is here that a professional such as a psychotherapist or a pastor can help parents tremendously. A wise and loving parent will be willing to ask for help.

Perspective plays an enormous role in interpretation and young people need guidance in this process. Perspectives need to be changed and broken up instead of being continually nurtured and reinforced. Parents and adults need to attempt to understand the meaning of human existence as well as the human beings search for such a meaning in the young person.

Parents must attempt to guide the young person by helping them to actually confront and re-orientate their approach toward the meaning of his/her life. The individual does try to escape the full awareness of his/her assignment in life. And to make him/her aware of this responsibility, to awaken him/her to a fuller consciousness of it, can contribute much to their ability to overcome existential anxiety.

I believe that this striving to find a meaning in one's life is the primary motivational force in human beings. We are ultimately only willing to die for the sake of our values and thus having an understanding of the meaning of life will empower us to live life. If we are honest then we will admit that we need something to live for and it needs to be more than hedonistic materialism.

MEANING BOTH EMERGES FROM EXISTENCE AND IS SOMETHING CONFRONTING EXISTENCE.
Meaning is more than a mere expression of self, more than a projection of mans wishful thinking. If it were not, it would immediately lose its demanding and challenging character; it could no longer summon and challenge man. The meaning of our existence is not simply devised by ourselves, but rather meaning awaits to be detected and then motivates and directs us.

QUESTIONS OF MEANING
As human beings we are continuously trying to give sense/meaning to our experiences. For most of us our life comprehension vision is self evident. By this I mean that we see and experience the world through our worldview. Often, meaning giving ideas are institutionalised - they are embodied and applied in social and cultural institutions and accepted uncritically and unquestioned. However, they can become challenged or undermined by various factors or events (cultural changes, new knowledge, life crises, etc.).

This often happens to religious people brought up in a certain denomination and tradition. Their meaning giving beliefs dictate their life decisions and responses when they become challenged by the realities surrounding them, by cultural changes, by the failure of their held beliefs to adequately equip them to deal with life crises and problems, existential changes and anxiety. When doubt and uncertainty threatens their self-evident life strategy, they respond in a one-dimensional simplistic dogmatic fundamentalistic manner that is simply a denial of reality and unwillingness to interact and change.

The wiser way, the way to a mature life, is to let problems; doubt and uncertainty become opportunities for learning and spiritual growth. When suffering and uncertainty challenges us we have a wonderful opportunity to think on new questions of meaning, to clarify our beliefs and values, and mature our life comprehension vision and life strategy.

THE SPIRITUAL COMPONENT OF A HUMAN BEINGS NATURE AND CHARACTER
I believe that man is created to experience three dimensions of existence: physical, psychological and spiritual.

• the physical level - man could be described as a complex biochemical mechanism with prodigious storage facilities for retaining encoded information.
• 
  the emotional/psychological level - man has needs, drives, intelligence, memory and other abilities that distinguished him slightly from animals.
• 
  the spiritual dimension is unique to man.

These dimensions are parts of a whole and that and one can not treat these three dimensions as separate entities. To see man in terms of only one of these dimensions is to form a totally incomplete and warped image of him. It is therefore not so much the genetic integration or the environmental influences that form the individual's character, but rather the unique attitude and responses to the demands of his environment and to important persons in his life that shape and form his character. He is not completely subjugated by his physical characteristics or potential, or by his psychological method of functioning and abilities, or his social circumstances. He can rise above the conditions because he can reflect on himself and his world and take decisions about them. He can oppose the limitations of his abilities and circumstances and decide whether to submit to them or resist them. Man can existentially transcend himself, that is, he can be more than he is, and he can rise above and overcome.

Life is a God-given opportunity to become who we are, to affirm our own spiritual nature, claim our truth, appropriate and integrate the reality of our being, but, most of all, to say an emphatic yes to the one who calls us the Beloved.

Sigmund Freud reduced spirituality to biological instincts. Many psychologists fragment personality into a spiritual and non-spiritual sphere (psychology would then deal with the non-spiritual sphere). My model of spirituality situates spiritual life in the heart of ones psychological being.

There is a deep human yearning and longing for spirituality, for finding meaning and purpose, for discovering one's roots as humans. Jung was correct in speaking about a 'collective consciousness' or 'archetypal memory' in all humanity. I understand this archetypal memory as the image of God that resides in all humans and longs for relationship, self-transcendence, meaning, and purpose, and to love and be loved.

Modernism defined the human being as rationale animal est homo - a reasoning animal. However, I do not believe the ability to reason and think is all that makes us human. The origin of the spiritual life, and our humanity (that which makes us human), is located in the truth that our hearts are made in the image of God. By heart, I mean the centre of humans being where we are able to love and receive love, relate to God, nature, and one-another. If all persons are created spiritual beings then the spiritual quest is a quest for self-discovery, relationship, and meaning - to love and be loved, to know and be known by God.

MATURITY: SELF- DETERMINING ACTION
The mature person has come to the realisation that he cannot only attribute his lot to factors that coerce him from the inside (like his drives and needs) or that pressurise him from the outside (like his social circumstances). He is to some extent free of such determinants.

The optimal developed person continuously takes a stand concerning himself and his circumstances and freely decides what he should do and how he is going to act. We are not impervious to outside forces - they can and do change our circumstances - but we are free to take our stand and our attitude in dealing with them. This gives us the ultimate freedom to rise above circumstances and fate and adopt the axioms: ' Seek to love, not to be loved, seek to understand, not to be understood " " Life is a pilgrimage and the pilgrimage is as important as the destination . We are affected but not dictated to by non-spiritual factors - by instinct, our specific heritage, or the ambient factors of our surroundings and circumstances. We have and must exercise our freedom to choose as rational beings how we will behave if we are to be existentially healthy.

The individual has an acute awareness of the fact that he exists and that there is a meaning or goal in his life which he must bring to fruition in the kind of choices he makes every day if he is to accept, understand, and live life. The optimally developed person is intensely and responsibly aware of such choices. He is honest to his own inner voice. Transparency, honesty and authenticity are the key words - the ability and the courage to view matters objectively and critically - perceiving himself and his circumstances realistically. The mature person can distance himself from his weaknesses and problems and can laugh at himself.

The mature person is outward-looking rather than turned in on himself. He wants to be involved in whatever gives his life meaning, an objective, a cause, and therefore bearing. He wants to be faced with an assignment, to be challenged and to feel that he has a calling. It is in the nature of the healthy and fulfilled human being to be dedicated to values and ideals. Man lives by ideals and values. Human existence is not authentic unless it is lived in terms of self-transcendence. Too much focus on the self ultimately inhibits psychological health. We must move beyond the self in order to achieve intimate and productive relationships with God, the world and with others.

For the mature person the goals in his life are not who he is, what he is, how he is, his own satisfaction and happiness . These are incidental side effects and impromptu consequences of meaning directedness' (Le. when he is oriented towards love, a task, other people, and life), that habitually connects him outside of and beyond himself. Because he is vitally involved he encounters his existence as something of value. This gives him a sense of fulfilment and worth. An appropriate analogy is the Christian belief that the more you surrender yourself to Christ (meaning which is external to and higher than yourself), the more Christ-like you become (the human in yourself comes to fulfilment). We can therefore become more authentically Christian (human), as we forget ourselves and look beyond ourselves.

Humans are thinking beings but thinking is complex and difficult. It is time-consuming and tiring and we often would rather simply react emotionally when we actually need to analyse crucial issues and solve existential problems of our lives. Not only must we learn to think well but also we must think about our thinking. We need to continually monitor and revise our thinking, our identifying and use of concepts and meaning giving beliefs.

So many of my clients live and think on the basis of uncritically assumed assumptions. Their response to any crises or dilemma is one-dimensional. They 'cough up' what their parents or church tradition/pastor taught them. They happily say: "The Bible says...its all black and white, it is all very simple, there is a label, a principle, a correct ethic that must simply be applied. There is nothing to think about." But it is seldom the Bible that says this, rather, it is their opinion and understanding of what they believe the Bible says.

I believe that human beings are primarily spiritual beings that have freedom and responsibility. Thus, I attempt to make my patients fully aware of their own accountability and responsibility to life; and therefore I must leave to then the option for what, to what, or to whom, they understands themselves to be responsible to. That is why I am not tempted to impose value judgements on the patient. Values do not drive a man; they do not push him, but rather pull him. There is always freedom involved: the freedom of man to make his choice between accepting or rejecting an offer, i.e., to fulfil a meaning potentiality, or else to forfeit it. The freedom to be accountable and responsible means that man constantly faces choices, and that he has the freedom to choose. Consequently, he is not compelled to behave in any particular way. He can say "yes" as readily as he says "no".

Because of his free will, he may also be held responsible for his choices. He cannot, for example, only ascribe his actions to a drive. At the most he may say that he has decided to give in to his drives. And since he is responsible, he has to bear the consequences of his choices himself. This freedom to choose is what represents the spiritual dimension of being human, and it is this dimension that actually makes man into man.

Man is not content to live an insignificant life: he wants to feel that his life is valuable and beneficial; that it means something to someone; he wants to do something valuable or exceptional with his life. He wants to feel that he has accomplished something with his life. Without these goals, he is spiritually unfulfilled and dispossessed of an authentic motivation to live. I would suggest that the central issue of life is not the struggle to survive but the struggle to find a meaning in life. Finally, let me say that I believe that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms, to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way . This is one of the most important lessons of life.

My attitude is mine to give away. Life can take my all as it did with the Biblical character of Job. Yet, it can not take my attitude. My attitude is mine to give away - if I so choose. Life is a journey of experience and learning and the journey is as important as the destination. Ability determines what you are capable of doing. Motivation determines what you will do. Attitude determines how well you do it.

Each circumstance in life represents a challenge to man and bestows a problem for him to solve. Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognise that it is he who is asked. Each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life. To life he can only respond by being accountable and responsible. I see in accountability and responsibleness the very essence of human existence relating to meaning of and in life.

For a deeper insight into Generation X I recommend you read Graeme Codrington: “ Generation X: who, what, why, and where to? ” found on the internet. I am indebted to his research for section one. I also recommend reading “ Life on the Edge ” by J. Dobson and “ Parenting Adolescents ” by K Huggins.

I have not used a reference system in this booklet so I must acknowledge and thank the many people that have influenced my thinking, and books and articles that I have read over the years. Together, they have impacted hugely on my knowledge and understanding. I must also acknowledge and thank my Creator who loves me though I deserve it not.

The following are the literary works of Frankl that have proved to be useful to myself in my dialogue with the issue of maturity and meaning:

Frankl. V. E. Man's search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. (Boston, Beacon. 1959)

Frankl. V. E. The doctor and the soul: from psychotherapy to logotherapy. (New York, Knopf. 1965)

Frankl, V. E. Psychotherapy and existentialism: Selected papers on logotherapy. (New York, Washington Square Press. 1967)

Frankl, V. E. The will to meaning: Foundations end applications of logotherapy. (New York, Wood Publishing. 1967)

Frankl V. E The unconscious God, Psychotherapy end theology. (New York, Simon & Schuster. 1978)

Frankl. V. E. The unheard cry for meaning: Psychotherapy and humanism. ( New York , Simon and Schuster. 1978).